Toxic Waste

The days were passing easily. I may not have been spending them the way I wished to, but I was content. Now, why now? A simple thread of thoughts leads to something more: that ache inside my chest ebbs throughout my body. The pain remains, it was caught within the cavity of my chest only until these thoughts ripped to set it free.

Why am I incapable of keeping this toxic waste from coating my life? A four letter word spells the answer to this question that perhaps ought to remain rhetoric.

Only a few days, memories of this feeling had begun to slip. Now, the feeling burns strong, creating new memories, vivid and uncomfortable.

It leaves and at times, I barely acknowledge its absence, while during others, I bask in relief. I certainly know of its return, though. A thick sadness that drapes itself over my shoulders and my heart.

Listless?

I haven't been writing as often as I usually do, and I'm not sure if this is for the better or worst.. Do I write and work myself up into feelings that were never mine or am I truly just expressing myself and venting my feelings?

My problems seem to have become much more complicated, yet so very much more simple. This illness that I wont be cured of, it fuels the flames that smolder and catch alight in my darker hours and I am intoxicated by this terrible funk. But my thoughts and feelings also seem so much more understandable, while also feeling foreign and strange.

This whole situation I find myself in is juvenile and listless.

The truth

They'll never know the truth behind my words. The agony I endure, it survives and knows no end. I thought I was stronger, I thought I could do the right thing. It seems this shall not be so. I have no choice but to do what is best, though, no matter the expense. (You'd think the right thing and doing whats best would be the same thing.. but its not)

I am a hypocrite, I preach honesty but cannot practise it. I yearn for a fight with myself so that I can beat the weaker portion of my character. This inner turmoil, it must end.

I remain confused, hurt and disoriented.. But I must be stronger.. I'm lucky that nobody checks my blog these days..