Moving on

I've finally found the courage to move on. They never knew and I did it by myself. I feel no sweet relief, only an absence of yearning and hurt. I didn't want to have to let go, but I think I've done the right thing. Time will tell.

Little sense

"I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"

I can't move on. I tried.

Aside from that, my little slice of the world has grown darker. I see the world tinged with a deep hue of blue. I've felt it for the last time, that disappointment when another just lapses over my reaching out with an "I understand" or "I know how that feels". I won't trust this person anymore, I won't share in their dark little universe.

Now, my conflict: To reach out to one qualified before I hit rock bottom or to carry on with my own comforts. I hope I can muster up the courage. Is it possible to fight without support? Is this really even a battle? It feels so.

The worst sadness is experienced in times spent alone in solitude. The most unnecessary of acts are committed in solitude. Confusion is felt in the clutches of solitude. But company is not all it is worked up to be either, especially when they hoard dark and are contagious or worse.. They utter not a single word worth speaking.

It's time. Time to move on, time to forget and time to face reality. The truth behind the matter hurts, but I'm glad I can finally tell myself the truth. This sadness that courses through my body does not need this lie to fuel its infection of my being. All again, everything feels like nothing and I'm afraid that I am so aware that I'm losing focus, similar to when you hold an object so close to your eyes that it appears hazy.

Some may know the truth behind my words, but I doubt it and it matters not.

Toxic Waste

The days were passing easily. I may not have been spending them the way I wished to, but I was content. Now, why now? A simple thread of thoughts leads to something more: that ache inside my chest ebbs throughout my body. The pain remains, it was caught within the cavity of my chest only until these thoughts ripped to set it free.

Why am I incapable of keeping this toxic waste from coating my life? A four letter word spells the answer to this question that perhaps ought to remain rhetoric.

Only a few days, memories of this feeling had begun to slip. Now, the feeling burns strong, creating new memories, vivid and uncomfortable.

It leaves and at times, I barely acknowledge its absence, while during others, I bask in relief. I certainly know of its return, though. A thick sadness that drapes itself over my shoulders and my heart.

Listless?

I haven't been writing as often as I usually do, and I'm not sure if this is for the better or worst.. Do I write and work myself up into feelings that were never mine or am I truly just expressing myself and venting my feelings?

My problems seem to have become much more complicated, yet so very much more simple. This illness that I wont be cured of, it fuels the flames that smolder and catch alight in my darker hours and I am intoxicated by this terrible funk. But my thoughts and feelings also seem so much more understandable, while also feeling foreign and strange.

This whole situation I find myself in is juvenile and listless.

The truth

They'll never know the truth behind my words. The agony I endure, it survives and knows no end. I thought I was stronger, I thought I could do the right thing. It seems this shall not be so. I have no choice but to do what is best, though, no matter the expense. (You'd think the right thing and doing whats best would be the same thing.. but its not)

I am a hypocrite, I preach honesty but cannot practise it. I yearn for a fight with myself so that I can beat the weaker portion of my character. This inner turmoil, it must end.

I remain confused, hurt and disoriented.. But I must be stronger.. I'm lucky that nobody checks my blog these days..

Perspective

We're all stuck in a system and we just have to do the best we can to kick its ass. I'd love to take a walk in someone else's shoes, see the world from a different angle, but I'm sorry, I can't. My shoes are tight and are taking me places quickly. I don't have the time, nor the will power to even imagine life as someone else, and there's nothing I can do. Can't you see? We have to do the best we can to make the most out of what we have and be grateful, always grateful for the luxuries we have. Yes, I'm sorry that there are people worse off out there, but we have to worry about ourselves and the people we love and can help. I'm here, now.. Not someplace else. If we don't worry about ourselves and respect ourselves, who will? They're all out there doing what us selfless bastards won't.

You say everyone these days seems to have problems when they shouldn't, that they should just get over it. You say we have no reason to have problems. Reality is a harsh and unforgiving tormentor and the people we trust aren't always what we'd hoped. Just because people are more aware of themselves now, and not as ignorant and submissive as they once were, does not make us weak. We're at the advantage. You say everyone back then has turned out fine, but who's stuck in a painfully boring and mediocre 9 to 5 bill-paying job while we are out there training to conquer the world.

Grateful

A sense of security I feel, I can keep myself together. The support of one always heard, but never quite seen and whose love no know bounds, warms me.

The stresses and trials of school weigh me down, but I have the strength to stay standing. I will trust myself.

The pool that was love, my troubles, my angst, a heavy weight, a dark and murky quarry of sadness, is not so deep anymore. Whether the warm weather dried it up or it was drained, it matters not. I am happy.

I am grateful to such unique and lovable friends and a kind and loving father. I hope I can put an end to my violent moods swings.. I seem to be stabile, lets keep it that way..

A sense of insecurity washes over
My strength is wavering, I fear sadness
The familiar pressing on my heart, I begin to feel
The numbness, it seems to be fading away

I can't comprehend what is occuring inside
I feel I connot even relate with myself
Confusing and upsetting, a vicious cycle
I will to put a road block right here, now

I'm sinking, I can feel myself dropping
I am falling into a dark cavern
Someone ought to catch my falling mind
For I fear I cannot do it again

Feeling better

It would seem that the arrival of the warm weather has evaporated the cold, sticky and wet sorrow that has consumed my soul up until now. I am not so much in touch as I once was, but that is a small sacrifice I will make for now. Not today, but soon, I know it will return. I feel very little, but at least I'm not hurting.

a hinderance...

Alas, I knew I couldn't escape the darkness for long
The contorted shadow that follows me in the day
And the pressing darkness that ensues in the night
Would catch me, it was only a matter of time

My light heart is once again heavy with sadness
Oh, how I yearn to cast off this troubling demeanor
It ails me through and frustrates me so
To be filled with this cold and black hinderance

Love scolds while prejudice has such a terrible sting
I find myself drowning in society's choking ignorance
Frustration with this damned reality licks at my veins
Just as flames do some wretched warped metal

All these forms of torture leave me raw and hurt
Saddened to see another day in which I must wake
Each breath is drawn with a terrible hesitation
For why? I do it for them and not my own benefit

...

Gah, its back..

A light heart

The light-hearted happiness I experience is incredible
Such splendor I revel in as I stand atop this mountain
The trekking through dark forests and stumbling over rocks
All worth the struggle for the thorough sense of self I possess

My best of friends remained by my side through all
And even though she couldn't see the source of darkness
She walked alongside, keeping pace and keeping faith
Never giving up when even I could have myself

From the very bottom of my heart I thank you
Christiana, my friend, you are double rainbow ^.^
I only hope that I can be there for you
In the same way that you have for me

Fallen

Honesty and ignorance fight to be my champion
Honesty preaches of virtue and respect
While ignorance pleads against pain and woe
Both have one hand over my heart

...

Who will catch me when I fall?
They are all ever-ready in words
Though I fear the one to catch me
May have tripped me without knowing

...

To endure, to hold on - in a time so wretched
To have the courage to outstretch a pleading arm
To trust there will be a hand to catch the fallen
In the ones I love, I find strength to be thus.

...

The words I wish to speak aloud remain stuck in my throat, perhaps the cause of my ailments at this time... The torment inside, so very simple, courage to trust remains my downfall...

Angry

I am angry. Angry at myself, yet another extreme. Tanglible feelings of distress find themselves caught in my throat and in my chest. So quickly, I swing.. More like snap, from one emotion to another. I'm almost furious. Sad. Down-hearted. I yearn for numbness to settle over, sprinkling me with its sweet reprise. I'm giving myself whip-lash.

Mood Swings

I've been having a lot of mood swings of late... Yesterday, as seen in my post, I was feeling resentful and such, but today - I'm alright. I'm seeing and feeling and appreciating the better things in life. Those little pleasures that we usually ignore: an old song plays and reminds me of some time before, the sun beating down on my skin always leaves my heart feeling light, children playing across the street give me hope that life is, indeed, beautiful, I've just lost sight.

The world seems to have become just a little brighter. My heart remains weighed down by thoughts, yes thoughts, but now the joy in life and that air of meaning has returned. I don't have to live, I want to live. The magic has returned and I only hope it won't leave me again.

Heartache

A heartache most will never know crushes the strong walls of my heart into rubble. Strife, the strife it yeilds! I bury this under illusions and the lies I tell myself. Should I let myself ponder it for even a few short moments, the pain leaves me without breath. Insecurity is my curse, hope my poison, thoughts my killer, reality my foe, and sweet words my only sanctuary. A black and inky cloak I will wear, but only beneath my plain and ordinary clothes. My own privacy I begin to respect, but a suffering to which the cause is only known to me will surely never know resolution. Each attempt at easing the burden only leaves me feeling more exposed, so no more. I know my mind is like a set of faulty scales, never quite balanced and always under risk of tipping without warning. If a weight is applied, surely they will hesitate and give way.

Hmm, my attempt at forging something of beauty out of the raw materials that are my woes has proved to be pitiful. Life is a joke, but I guess I'm learning to laugh...

Time for a turn around..

I believe it is time for a change in attitude. Enough of my procrastination and self-hate (to a degree)... Its time to embrace who I am and make the best of what I have.. Sure, the melancholy will endure but it's time to look upon it with a bit of, I dunno.. light-heartedness??

It seems some do truly love me so
For the person I simply am
This certainly does baffle me, to think
That those I hold affections for
Return my friendship in a heart-shaped box

I yearn to feel, to truly feel...

Soaked

So, I work at this pizza bar, Giudici's Pizza Bar, just down the road from my house to which I ride my bike. Yes, a push bike. It has been raining on and off today on the supposedly sunny Gold Coast, and it had been clear the whole time I was inside, working. As soon as I went to leave, however, it started to pour.. Lucky me, I got drenched. There was something sentimental, though, a feeling that was almost tangible... The feeling of rain against my skin, I'm sure we've all felt it at some time or another..

Oh, I also got a promotion! I am now a crew trainer :D I get to tell people what to do... Hmmm.. The power won't go to my head at all... ;)

First Time?

Hmm, so this is my first time... Cutting my own channel into the raging river of online personalities and such..

Maybe I should begin by explaining my blog name? I am a budding writer and poet. This is something I'm passionate about. I enjoy expressing myself and making the mediocre occurrences of my life into something that can be considered beautiful, by someone at least..

Ummm, I'm not entirely sure about the sort of things people publish about their lives on a blog, so I might do a little browsing.. Hahaha.